Over the last 6 (business) days, I on and off watched the victim impact statements given by the survivors of Larry Nassar, the former USA Gymnastics and MSU doctor.
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| Nasser sentenced to 175 years in prison |
Heartbreaking isn't a good enough word for this entire story. Neither is infuriating. The stories these strong women stood up and told..more than once I found myself in tears, other times hardly breathing, still other times encouraging them as if they could hear me.
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| Some of the 168 survivors that made victim impact statements. Photos WTHR |
Many times as I watched and listened to the WTHR live stream, I would have to swipe right. Reasons being were both the ignorance of the general public on the workings of our judicial system ("I can't believe anyone would defend him!".. "Why is his lawyer writing notes!? Why is he writing notes!") as well as the general ignorance and inhumanity people source from within themselves when behind keyboards ("They'll kill him in prison".. "Wait till he gets to gen pop".. "He should be castrated" or "how could these parents be in the room and they didn't know?" .. "They didn't say anything then?" .. "How could they not know it was abuse?")
Swiping right kept my sanity intact and my focus on the actual survivors.
The entire time I watched and listened to these stories my heart ached. It ached for the women, their mothers, their families, their boyfriends and husbands. And for Larry Nassar.
That might surprise you. That might anger you. That might make you think "How can she feel anything other than rage at a pedofile, an abuser, a predator of this level?"
I'll tell you why. Because he's a human being. A sick, demented, unapologetic, mentally ill human being. Nassar deserves the sentence of 175 years from Judge Aquilina because he doesn't, at this point, grasp his illness, his abuses or his crimes. For the survivors, he needs to be in prison. For the little girls and teens he would no doubt abuse in the future, prison is where he needs to be. And he needs to be there for himself. Because sometimes it's only in prison that one can really face themselves and change. He might. He might not. He might not even be able to.
What's so obvious to me, beyond the ignorance of understanding the basics of our justice system, with all its flaws, and the heartless words people type because they can, is that so many people believe that all criminals are their crimes. That those who break laws and are imprisoned don't change. And that they don't even deserve the chance to change, the space and time to change ("He should be killed!") or even deserve simple human rights and dignity, as depraved as they might be.
Some may be too far gone. Many change. Many transform. I have witnessed this in the 5 years that I've spent as a volunteer within the Indiana Dept of Corrections. I'll get back to this in a second.
This week, the boys and I are doing a unit study on American History with Mr. Powell at History at Our House.
Of course, with me as their mother I fill in the details and cracks. I try and decolonize my homeschooling. I look for sources that aren't steeped in racism, white supremacy, and colonialism. My boys know that we are colonizers. They know we live on occupied Miami territory. We recently read a book detailing the experiences of the Tainos, the natives Columbus first met and destroyed.
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| Recommended read |
In talking about reasons for the Revolutionary War earlier this week, we paused to watch The Patriot. It's violent, yes, but they are ready for it. And it put into play the information they were learning in lecture form. For those that know how Ciaran isn't a movie buff, for him to watch this in the two days it took us and repeatedly say, "This is a good movie, mom!" or ask a million and 1 questions about what was to happen, or literally be in the edge of his seat thinking that Mel Gibson's character was about to be killed by his British nemesis... It was a big deal. ;)
We moved on, during this week long Nassar sentencing, to the Constitution and various Amendments. Anyone "friends" with me on social media knows I feel this country has serious flaws. However, I will teach these boys to the best of my ability about the structure the country they live in was built upon and all it's strengths and flaws. Seeing grown ass adults not understand why Larry Nassar had counsel?? My kids won't be this ignorant.
And this goes beyond the 6th Amendment, that gives every single citizen the right to representation in a court of law. This touches on basic humanity.
So, we watched the closing statements. Both from the State and Nassar's attorneys. Especially when those attorneys talked about the emails they've gotten wishing the deaths of their children because they've represented him.
Aidan and Ciaran were incensed.
We talked about whether or not this man needs to be in prison (we all agreed). I asked about what they thought about that people who wished him harm in prison. They didn't at first understand why, with as much pain as this man caused, he should be protected in prison. So we talked about that too.
Then I started to talk about my work at prisons. They both know I go. Its just another thing mom does. I asked them what they thought I'd do if Larry Nassar happened to be in the facility I go to, and happened to be Pagan, and happened to show up at my circle.
"What do you think I'd say?"
Both said, "You'd say no." Aidan also emphasized this with a hand gesture.
They were both quite surprised when I told them they were wrong.
That's when I discussed with them my thoughts about people and their crimes, and that people aren't their crimes. People are people and crimes are things they've done. And there have definitely been some people in my circles over the last 5 years that have tested this belief for me. Crimes that have broken my heart and made it difficult for me to give service. But I pushed through. I told them abbreviations of a few of these crimes.
After that, I read them a speech I heard given, and was later emailed by the Chaplain of an offender at a Volunteer Dinner this past December. The men's prison is a tough place. I'm not going to discuss why, or whether it's justified, or what should change or stay the same in this post. That's not what this is about. Instead, I'll share this speech because... Well, you'll see.
Eighteen years and counting: of pain, struggle, learning and ultimately growth. Mostly through it all I’d become numb to everyone and everything around me and because of it I’d been mostly hindered rather than helped. That is until my realizing one day that I yearned for something way beyond the existence of being a prisoner and nothing more.
At this point there are people in my life who have helped me to better understand the importance of investing in myself. Mentors and volunteers who have taken the time to teach me how to think, instead of what to think, like buying into the given stereotypes, and settling for the limits that society foist upon those like myself because of our current stations in life, that are in direct result to our lack of having fully understood the total spectrum of the poor decisions that litter our past. Volunteers and mentors who have helped me to comprehend that it isn’t mostly about what we have done, but why? And how did we get there? Yes, thankfully, there are those volunteers and mentors who have shown me that I am able to turn things around.
Those of you here today and who are with us in spirit have chosen to set yourselves apart from the majority of those who are interested in the forms of punishment only. You see the true potential in adding value to the lives of the incarcerated, helping to restore our sense of self worth, simply by your ability to make us feel accepted. You see the potential therein with teaching us how to thrive within our environments.
The 1st law of success is service. Thus, our greatest successes will come as we are enabled to assist others, as giving opens the way to receiving…because compensation is the keynote of the universe. Therefore, we are able to make gain both ways I’ve come to realize (thanks to mentors and volunteers) that no one can truly make it completely on his or her own. Yes you can do a lot by yourself, but so much more together. With establishing yourselves amongst those of us who have been abandoned and rejected, by offering yourselves, your time, energy and et cetera, you provide the inspiration we need, give us the will to prove people wrong! It is such a privilege to have those of you to open up to, even if just to have to listen as you would be listened unto. You, volunteers and mentors, have become someone’s answered prayers. You are not only role models to those like myself, but also to the communities abroad. Showing us how to be, showing us how you can’t hold determined people back, you all possess the essence of character that I want to connect with. You comprehend that action speaks so much louder than words.
Someone once said “Do not wait; the time may never be just right. Start where you stand and work with whatever tools you may have at your command and better tools will be found as you go along. By even having been considered by the likes of you, you provide the simplest necessities of a life: affection and security. Without obligation and sometime with your not even fully knowing what you’re getting yourselves into you rise to the challenge, above the circumstances and conditions and become the solutions; bridging the gap between society and its latest caste system. And yes! it takes a village. Because the hurt and neglect that we give to our little kids can later affect us all, but the opposite is also true. You, volunteers and mentors, seek to understand our misunderstood expressions and cries for help. Alienated from society, you’ve reached out, and thus have become responsible for something good in each of our lives. It is because of you, volunteers and mentors, that I began to gain the confidence to change within what’s deeply flawed. Because of it I’ve suffered. Though “out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars.” I truly now know that certain things must be striven for in order to be truly appreciated.
I want to give thanks to you, the volunteers and mentors, for showing me that becoming educated is the best way for those like myself to spend our time of incarceration. Again, it is an investment in ourselves. With the tools of education, I am better able to understand how to build the frameworks of a sound mind in order to make better decisions, because a man is the sum product of his thoughts. What he thinks he becomes.
Lastly, I want to let you all know that from the bottom of my heart that I am truly sorry for the error of my ways which have resulted in creating the various hardships on society. With saying this to you, I hope to feel more authentic and complete in my journey for personal growth, more meaningful life, in order to affect the lives of others. And through your dedicated service, you’ve shown forgiveness as well and it is somewhere said that “the weak cannot forgive, for forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” How suiting then, how well off are we all the more for having you, or volunteers and mentors. The true heroes of our day!
Anthony Walker #106881
After reading this to them, slowly, I then went to the Offender Locator Index. We looked up Anthony. I used to use this in the beginning to see who I was with while inside. I have long stopped doing so.
The boys and I learned that Anthony was incarcerated for stealing or recieving stolen auto parts, armed robbery, and voluntary manslaughter. We talked about what voluntary manslaughter means.
They sat with that for a minute. I asked them that if I had simply read his charges, what would they think of Anthony? Their words were colorful. I asked them if they thought Anthony was working on himself and trying to be a better person. They said they did.
I brought it around to Larry Nassar. He's obviously not there yet, and maybe he never will be. But we all agreed that while prison is where he should be, he could possibly come to understand what he's done to hundreds of girls and women, that he might grasp the pain he has caused. We agreed that he had the right to representation, protective custody, and hopefully a volunteer or a mentor like myself and those that do similar work that can be an example to Nassar. Firm when necessary, kind when needed.
What he did is horrible. His survivors have a right not to forgive him. Larry Nassar is where he belongs. I hope that all those women find peace, strength in their numbers, empowerment and healing peace.
I hope that Larry Nassar finds his way, whatever that is.
And lastly, I hope that when they are old enough to have phones my kids are smart enough to swipe right.
