Conflict

       

                I’m exhausted today. I don’t mean a physical exhaustion, even though I spent four hours cleaning the playroom and putting away the boys winter clothes (finally), but an exhaustion that’s more emotional. Juggling three prison groups is going to be a lot. It is a lot. Maybe three Summer Solstice rituals have helped to make me tired, but I think it is more the bullshit that goes along with this job that pretty much took the wind out of my sails yesterday. Let me back up a bit and explain. 

                For those of you who have read previous posts on this blog, you may recall one of the Asatru inmates I’d written about, the one who has this idea about people of Northern climates having a layer of brain fat that other cultures don’t have, except for Asians, which makes them so smart as well as women of Northern backgrounds being better suited for childbirth. This particular individual, I’ll call him Harry, has been in prison before, I think in Kansas. Not that where really matters but this is not his first time in the system. In the other prison he was in, there was apparently an Asatru group called Three Raven. We’ve all heard time and again how this Kindred put him on the ‘fast track’ to obtaining the Gothi title, and on and on and on. He can yap for 45 minutes about their religious rights that the current prison he is in is taking away from them in not allowing them to meet on the in-between weeks when Cathy and I aren’t there (many of these guys are STG (security threat group) status because of their white supremacist affiliations), and how he wants the group to bring a lawsuit against the prison for it. He’ll go on and on about the Nine Nobel Virtues, Five Thews (wonderful things but he uses them wrong), his being fast tracked (that’s every five minutes), what they should be learning, what they aren’t learning, what his other prison kindred did, making oaths, and on and on. 

                It started to get to a point that you could both see and feel the tension in the room rise from the other members. At the end of May, when Ray was still with us (she’s moved out West now), one meeting got especially tense. The lead member, Terry whom I’ve mentioned before was at the time preparing to leave the group and the prison. He is still in until October, but the re-entry process requires certain classes and the other groups an inmate might be in cease. I could see how frustrated he was getting, and it was starting to get alarming. He handled it well, telling Harry how ‘he knew his heart was in the right place’ in wanting more for the group but it upset Terry greatly when Harry informed the group that I had volunteered to come in on the off Fridays so they could meet. 

                To Ray and Cathy, I mentioned it being a possibility (Henry pressured Ray one day when Cathy and I weren’t there and I think she must have told him), but that I first had to see how the women’s prison was going to be, on what days it would be, if my family could balance it, etc. But also, they weren’t ready for every week yet. The three of us agreed that they hadn’t yet earned us fighting for that for them, not to mention that we all needed to wait on Chaplain Newberry to retire and the new one to come in. She really disliked those guys and wasn’t going to give an inch on what they could or couldn’t do. That STG status is a big deal in a prison setting and no STG men, at this point, are going to be handed time alone without a volunteer. Hopefully in the future they can earn that. 

                And that’s what Harry didn’t understand. Forcing the situation with a lawsuit is not going to help anyone. Maybe if they went to court, they’d win that additional meeting. But, maybe it would bring heaps of shit down on all their heads, with the prison authorities making their lives, that are already difficult in there, even harder. I tried to talk about ‘being’ those Nine Noble Virtues, about being the men that future members of the group respect and look up to because of the honor and courage they had to be patient, to work for change in positive ways. By suing, you might win, but you also might lose big. 

                That day, Cathy put the brakes on Harry. She laid into him, respectfully, that we just don’t want to hear it anymore, that he cannot continue to take up 45 minutes of a 2 hour group with complaining about what they don’t have and how his other prison Kindred worked. His set up of teaching everything on a ‘fast track’ level will not work for this prison group. First of all, to learn everything from Runes to Blots to Myths to Deity and more in 3 months is crazy talk. And this is what he wanted to do. He wanted to create a teaching plan that would cover some of these topics in one day. Umm, where’s his brain fat layer? It’s simply not possible! No one can learn this path in 3 months, and guys in a prison can’t either. Sometimes they can’t attend. Sometimes they have to work, or take another class, or get thrown in BMU (Behavior Modification Unit) and are in solitary for a week or a month. The outline as a source of topics was great, which we told him, but the time frame needed adjusting. The entire group agreed. They commended him for his efforts, but knew they couldn’t teach or learn all those things in such a small amount of time. 

                This ‘fast tracking’ thing – these are my thoughts on it: It did nothing for Harry to be fast tracked. It did nothing and it shows. He might know all these things, but its surface knowledge. He has hardly lived all these things to the core. My gut also tells me that this Three Raven Kindred fast tracked him because they saw a certain kind of potential in him, the kind that can very easily manipulate others, and very easily form a gang using the Asatru path as its core. Harry is a white supremacist, he wants the group to be Folkish (that means that every one that attends should be white and of a Northern background) instead of Universal, he is dangerous as a leader and Cathy and I will not tolerate it, and fortunately we have the new Chaplain behind us 100%.  

                When the group ended that day, he apologized to us. We accepted it, while at the same time commending him for his efforts in wanting to help the group grow (but internally knowing that it wasn’t going to grow in the direction he wants it to). 

                Here’s where it starts to get really interesting. 

                The next week, I had an experience one night that I’ve never had before. I’ve never had an irate Goddess storm into my bedroom and demand my attention. It was 1:30 in the morning, I was reading a book in bed, and suddenly Freya was all over my head demanding that I bring Her in to the Asatru group. “I want in, and you are going to bring me in.”

                I told Her the group wasn’t ready to learn Seidth (that’s the Norse version of Trance work). She didn’t care. She said, “You and I have worked together before. You don’t need to teach them Seidth and you know it.”

                Every excuse I threw at Her, She threw back at me with a bitch slap on it. Finally, heart racing, I got out of bed and emailed Cathy what was going on. Here’s a snippet of that message…

                So, its 1:30 in the morning and I had to get up out of bed to send this email to you. There is no way I'm going to be allowed to go to sleep if I don't email you now, as the suggestion I wait until the morning didn't go over very well. :) My heart is racing and there is no way I can even attempt to sleep thru this, never mind the fact that Freya is not a Goddess I like to aggravate.

I think it's Her that's been hanging out in my house tonight and after I turned off the TV and settled into bed to read, She told me a few things. I hope by now you know I'm not nuts. I don't think I've ever had something like this happen before, but.... She wants into the Asatru circle. She wants to talk to them. I told her they are in no way, shape or form ready for me to teach them Seidth. She doesn't care. She said it need not be Seidth and that She and I have done it before without Seidth. She made me feel like it was imperative that Terry be present, as well as Harry. But most of all Terry. I think with him possibly leaving, She is giving me this 'urgent' feeling (hence the racing heart). I told her that … I needed to tell you this message... so I am.

                It was decided that the following week they were getting a visit from Freya. I was sick to my stomach all that week. Never before had I done Seidth or Trance Prophesy under such conditions. I was nervous about what was going to be said, if they would understand that it was not me, or that they’d even believe it. I prepared Cathy in how Seidth is done, wrote up a script for the group (In Trance Prophesy, that I work with now more than Seidth, it’s a bit of a different process but I wanted to do this one closer to Seidth as it is their path) and spent the week internally preparing. 

                When the day came, I was ready. Still nervous but ready. The Wiccan group met in the morning, but as we were waiting on the Asatru to come down to the Chapel, something went down inside the prison somewhere and the facility officers ‘closed the hill’. That means there’s a problem and they have everyone counted and accounted for. We heard that there was a fight, someone was possibly stabbed and was at the Infirmary. Then they couldn’t find someone apparently because the count was restarted and they were pulling people out of their jobs and having them go back to their dorms. 

                So, no group, and no Seidth. And I felt crazy. 

                Cathy and I talked about maybe it was more of Freya seeing if I would listen to Her. I didn’t really have a choice but to listen, and maybe that was the case but internally I just felt like a loon. 

                Time went on and we went back to the prison two weeks later.  The new Chaplain, Ernie, who is a gem of a guy, stopped me on my way in and asked if he could talk to me for a minute. Apparently, he had some seven or eight guys looking to form an Odinist group, and as far as he knew, Odinism fell under the Asatru category. Now, I know that there are some on the outside who claim Odinism and Asatru as two different things, and still others who say it’s interchangeable, but in the prison system, Asatru and Odinism are under the same umbrella. 

                I asked Ernie if it was Harry who had come to him. It was. “Oh, so you know him!?” he said. 

                Yeah, I know him. 

                We talked with the Chaplain between the two groups and informed him all about Harry, what had happened at the last meeting, and all the previous meetings he’d attended. We also let him know that Harry nor any of the other guys he’s riled up have ever been turned away from the Asatru group. He was simply asked to stop taking up the group’s time with complaining and to come up with a slower teaching schedule that the whole group could agree upon. We also all agreed that neither Cathy nor I were going to volunteer any additional time for this Odinist group, because we already volunteer time. And they can’t meet without a volunteer. 

                Sorry Harry and friends. 

                We were ready that day to try the Seidth again, but the group turnout was very small, mostly consisting of new guys. The Seidth was pointless. There was no Harry in attendance and no Terry either. Instead, I led them on a pathworking to Hella’s gates, just to get an idea of the journey itself. It was nice; they all seemed to get something out of it, but there was one guy, one of the regulars, who told me that he’d never experienced anything like that before. It struck me and reminded me of where most of these guys are at on their paths.

                Not doing the Seidth again that day made me feel even more like it was all in my head with Freya, but at the same time this new knowledge of Henry getting a bunch of guys to leave the Asatru group and to try to start an Odinist group (that would of course be racially motivated and in which he could run the way he wants to) made me think, “OK…. Maybe Freya was freaking out about that. Maybe I’m not crazy!”

                Then, my lack of insanity was reinforced by this piece of information given to me by Chaplain Ernie yesterday….

 

            “I understand that these inmates face major problems with the outside Wiccan sponsors.”

                I guess it is a major problem when a white supremacist can’t form a racist gang hidden behind the Norse Gods. At least for the white supremacist it is. I guess it’s a major problem that we have told him, and the rest of that group has told him and his cronies that it is up to the Gods who comes to circle. No one is turned away because of color or culture. The Gods call whom they choose to the circle. I guess it’s a major problem that he can’t take control and fast track other racists to use this religion as a way to spread their hate and stupidity. 

                I love how this man in Alabama is willing to speak for a person he has never met and knows little to nothing about. I’m not exactly sure where or under what rock Harry found him because after an extensive Google search last night, I cannot find this ministry anywhere on the web. I found one article by this Father Wolfgang Wester as well as his pretty much blank Facebook page, but other than that, nothing. How one has the ‘largest American Pagan Prison Ministry’ and holds no web presence is beyond me. He is taking the word of a repeat felon about two women who volunteer their time to the spiritual needs of multiple groups and facilities, and while neither of us are Asatru (and Cathy is not Wiccan, but a ‘Druidic leaning Pagan with Voudon tendencies’) we give all we can them. And while I may be Wiccan, this man does not know that I belonged to a Kindred for a number of years. While Kindreds can vary as much as Wiccan covens can, I have a decent grasp on this and from the looks of it I have more knowledge about Asatru, its myths, lore and Deities than many of these guys do. I can always stand to learn more, and I’m open to that. But it irks me to be accused of creating a problem for these guys. 

                Then I talk myself down. This Alabama man has no pull at this prison. Cathy and I are doing the best we can. Harry can try all he wants to start his own Odinist group, but he’s not going to get one until he gets out of prison because he already has a group. It’s called Asatru and it meets every other Friday at 12:50 PM. It’s his choice not to attend. I hope, for my sake, he decides to never come back. 

                During the day that it took me to write this, I’ve done a house cleansing as well as a cleansing for myself. I feel a lot better. To think that there would be no kinks in all this is pretty foolish I guess, but I didn’t expect this one. 

Lastly, the thing I’m really left with is the inner conflict about this racial thing. Beyond Harry, I know for a fact that there are men in that group who are affiliated with the Aryan Brotherhood. They don’t bring those views to this particular group, but I know they are there. Am I doing the wrong thing by volunteering my time to them? I love and respect the Norse Gods and worked with them closely for a bunch of years. What do they think of me being involved with this group? Asatru does not fulfill me personally. It does not give me that rush or that spark that my Wiccan practice does. And while that’s OK, I have to wonder… should I be doing this?

I really don’t know. 

Hey, Freya… I could use a message on this one. You know, that loud and clear way you delivered the other message. Thanks!

               

Ripple Effect

            About a month ago, I started working with the men’s Wiccan group on energy raising. It was a bit of a rough start. I had been making myself a list of short and relatively easy-tuned chants from the top of my head when I decided to print off a bunch of copies and give them as handouts to the group. 

Just the idea of them singing gave a few of them the sweats. They didn’t know a stitch about energy raising and I had yet to see anything that remotely resembled energy raising in their circles. I was glad to see that many of them returned to the meetings even when they knew they were going to do something new, and had to come prepared with an idea of energy raising as well as an intent. One asked if a story was energy raising. Cathy told him that if it evoked emotion like an Evangelical Preacher, than yes, it could raise energy. I gave him the reference point of Martin Luther King Jr.’s ‘I have a dream,’ speech. I also talked about pieces of music they might like that gets their emotions stirring, whether recorded or live, and the points of climax in songs so they’d have some kind of personal reference to the topic. They seemed to understand that. 

Our first attempts at it, like I said, were so-so. I didn’t expect a lot, but I did hope for some kind of spark. I think it’s hard to raise energy, even as a teaching example when you have no real circle in place, and these guys don’t really cast a circle. I say this matter of factly and without any sarcasm, and in the future I hope to teach more about this. Anyway, they gave a few of the chants a try but it was like pulling teeth. 

            These men are different, of course, than most men hanging out a Pagan gatherings or those that you might find in your coven. They are living in a very restricted environment, which can also be somewhat chaotic. They have learned, probably years before they were sent to prison, to have their guards up. Trying to get a group of men who have pretty thick walls around them most of the time to chant, is harder than herding cats… and it’s hard to herd cats as most who’ve lead a ritual know! The first attempt was using the Goddess chant because both Cathy and Ray knew that one. It was hard for them to recall the names of the Goddesses in that chant, but I’d seen other people new to that one catch on a bit quicker than they did. Also, they didn’t use their voices. It was like Vespers at a Church. I coached them with ‘louder’ or ‘use your voice’, but while I saw some lips moving there was no sound coming out. 

            The next attempt was with the chant ‘Air I Am’. They seemed to like that one a lot, and Cathy had them walk around the circle as they chanted. While they tried this one out, I used a plastic chair to pound out a beat. It’s amazing what a ‘drum’ can do. It was with this chant and with the sound of a beat that seemed to clue them into the possibilities. While I wasn’t really a fan of them trudging around in a circle (because it was the definition of trudging) their ability to recall the chant and hear the beat put their emotion into it, and viola – energy raising.

           

            May 1^st was the first day at the Women’s Prison. I was pretty nervous as this is my gig but Cathy did come with me for the training (something I still haven’t received from the Men’s Facility) since they require two people to be trained about that facility. The woman there Rita seemed very thankful that I was willing to be their volunteer and knew that it was a specific need that was difficult to fill. Just a day or two before we went to the prison, Cathy received a letter from an inmate there via the pastor at the UU in Indy, requesting a volunteer again. It was dated early February, right when I started at the Men’s prison. 

            I had been planning to be at my NYC Coven’s Beltaine this year. Beltaine of 2011 was my last Sabbat with them since I couldn’t afford trips to NY at Samhain and later Yule like I’d planned. With the death of my Maternal Grandmother on April 12 I had to move my trip to NY up a few weeks. 

            Missing a few dates at the Men’s facility isn’t a big deal, as at the time there were two other volunteers able to go to them. But with the Women’s prison starting on May 1^st I felt very responsible to be there. Could I have moved it? Yes. I’m a volunteer; they do not pay me. On the outside this isn’t a job, but as a Priestess, it’s a vocation. 

            Did I need my own batteries charged, need to be in Circle with my family? Yes. No one would have been upset with me if I’d stayed in NY longer and moved the date, but I couldn’t do it. In my gut I knew where it was most important for me to be and it wasn’t in NY. Luckliy, though, I was able to see some of the Coven at a coven gathering before Beltaine and it was fantastic. So, I did get something for me after a year of being ‘alone’. 

            It was the night before the women’s Beltaine that I had a realization (also mentioned in last posting). It was last Beltaine that I learned about Prison Chaplaincy via Starhawk’s e-list. After I read the story of the Beltaine rituals that she and Patrick McCollum (an advocate for pagan inmates who has been fighting the California DOC for years to get them rights) at two women’s facilities. One went smashingly, the other was not so great thanks to the control Officer. I requested a pen-pal as Starhawk said that many women were requesting pagans to write to. I got one a few weeks later, who was at the second facility. A week after that, the edition of Witches & Pagans came out with Patrick McCollun on the cover. The fact that there had been only one full turn of the Wheel since then shocked me. Could I really be walking into my own Ministry at a women’s prison one year after learning about the topic? It was at that moment that I really felt some kind of Divine Order in this whole thing of moving to Indiana. 

            They seem to be a nice group of ladies, and there were many tears in that circle that day. I knew by the end of it that my being there was important to them, as they did not have an ability to meet but twice a year. Now, we’ll be meeting every other Sunday. 

            There was a moment or about a week and a half that I wasn’t sure if I was going to be let back into the prison. After the ritual, Scott reminded me that his cousin Tammy is locked up. When I filled out the paperwork, it specifically asked me if I was related to anyone in the IDOC. In using the online Offender Locator, I found his cousin. She was at the same facility I’m now volunteering in. 

            I emailed my contact person. She emailed me back in a heart beat asking how well I knew this girl and if she would recognize me. I replied that in 15 years I’d maybe met her three times, but with the advent of Facebook, I wasn’t sure if she’d recognize me in person. I was told that my position as a volunteer was then going to have to be approved by her supervisors. 

            I was crushed, but I understood the situation on their end. His cousin could try to come to the group, even if she is not Wiccan or Pagan, because I’m family even if I hardly know her. Then that constitutes as a visit which they are limited and restricted on. 

            I was worried for the ladies in the group. They expressed so many times how happy they were to now have a volunteer, how much they were looking forward to and needing the group. And now it was being threatened to be cancelled or delayed until the Fall if Tammy gets out on her projected release date. 

            All that said, I was upset on a personal level. Tammy’s actions in having a warrant out and in having a prescription drug problem, as well a problem stealing, was affecting my life… and she had no idea about it. It was also affecting 12 other women’s lives too. It made me think about Ripple Effects, and how what we do, both positive and negative affect things that we sometimes may have no idea about, that may extend out so far that we can never imagine the outcomes. 

            Beltaine at the Men’s facility was great. They requested the Chapel stage instead of their little room. They asked to use the Chapel drums and bells and tambourine. They planned to use the Goddess chant and the instruments to raise energy in their ritual with the intent to send off the two guys who were leaving, as well as Ray as it was her last day. And while they need some fine tuning with the energy work, their ritual had a spark that it never had before. 

            Positive Ripple Effect. They raised some energy and understood the purpose. 

            Negative Ripple Effect. Tammy’s poor choices were delaying my plans and intentions.

            And plans turned out to just be delayed (thank you Hekate!) Instead of going back on the 13^th, I go back this Sunday the 27^th. 

            If I think about it, this ‘ripple’ started a ways back. Maybe with the Starhawk article, maybe with Votary training, maybe the minute I picked up my first Wiccan book. Who knows? And who knows where the ripple will take me, us, them. 

            All I know is that I’m glad to be riding the wave and I hope that I continue to, and whoever this ripple effect affects, I hope it does so in a positive, life-bettering way.